In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and a cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really.
Eternity -- The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line.
Prop -- A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage.
Director -- The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review.
Blocking -- The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to argue with you.
Blocking Rehearsal -- A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night.
Quality Theater -- Any show with which you were directly involved.
Turkey -- Every show with which you were not directly involved.
Dress rehearsal -- Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.
Tech week -- The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as Hell Week.
Set -- An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space.
Monologue -- That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him.
Dark Night -- The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal.
Bit Part -- An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.
Green Room -- Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation which can result in justifiable homicide.
Dark Spot -- An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.
Hands -- Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously or try to hide in your pockets.
Stage Manager -- Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea.
Lighting Director -- Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong.
Stage Crew -- Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic.
By the stage manager:
It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back from break.
We’ve been ready for hours.
No, I called that perfectly the first time- let’s move on.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn’t take long.
No thanks I don’t drink.
By the producer:
Of course there’s enough money to go around.
A slight overcharge from a vendor? Don’t worry about it.
We have money left over.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
By the director:
Wow, the designers were right on, weren’t they?
No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
I think the scene changes are too fast.
Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
No thanks, I don’t drink.
By the designers:
Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
Yes, it is absolutely my fault the set looks awful.
You know, you might have a point there.
The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wants.
We have too many gel colors in stock, I can’t choose.
Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
By the technical director:
This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.
We built it right the first time.
No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
I love designers ... and our lighting director is THE best.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
By the actors:
Don’t ... Let’s not talk about me.
Really, I think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable.
I love my shoes.
No problem. I can do that for myself.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
I’m sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot.
Without the crew the show would never run; let’s thank them.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
By the stage crew:
That instrument is not in the way.
There’s room for that over here.
We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
No, no I’m sure that is our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again please?
It’s a marvelous show.
I don’t need this many on the crew.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
By the orchestra members:
Wow, the strings and the woodwinds are perfectly in tune.
The saxophones are fine. In fact they could play louder.
This is fine. I have plenty of room.
These chairs are amazingly comfortable.
This stand light is great. I can see the music perfectly.
What a terrific conductor ... so clear ... so easy to follow.
The air in this orchestra pit is so refreshing.
What a super tap-dancer.
The tempos are rock solid.
What a great cast, all able to act and sing so well too!
No thanks, I don’t drink.
